[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
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Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you