(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
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If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.