*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
God, I love Scotland
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist