*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.