Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
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PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one