*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
me and the Superbowl rn
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Home #decor warning.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job