peeping toms
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural