My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
this is me
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.