Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…