@AimeeHelene1: Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I've set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
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@Sassafrantz: He'd probably stop sending me "good morning, beautiful" texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.
@amyjcordova: Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous? Me: The blood of all my enemies. Bartender: Me: Bartender: Me: Miller Light
@LeBearGirdle: *1st dinner date* Me: waiter, can I get the bill- Her: I love sophisticated guys Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the... william?
@robdelaney: My marriage is a mess and I'm in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that's what keeps me going.