I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
we’re dead?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.