Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*mops up wine with cat*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79