Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
You Might Also Like
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.