Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
You Might Also Like
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Passwords are more important than ever.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Just a phase…
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do