Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.