[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
OMG 🤣🤣
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.