[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after