9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Smooooooth
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Sharon I have some bad news