Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.