Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?