Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
#dnd #ttrpg
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many