Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*