my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.