I can’t stop watching this.
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Planet of the Apps.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
How long do you have to wait between naps?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.