My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
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*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.