ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
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What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.