Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him