Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
twitter is a journey
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.