Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Cannot stop laughing at this
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.