@BazarComedy: Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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@meatlobes: *waits for you to fall asleep* *rolls out from under your bed* *moisturizes your knees and elbows*
@Adar79Angie: I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I'd say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
@oldmanweldon: I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you'd like one because you're an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready