@BazarComedy: Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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@NicestHippo: [religion conference] BUDDHA: What's your opener? JESUS: "God loves you." You? BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
@ingerlishman: Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
@Just__J0: A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can't find your phone.