@aimlessamers: Since it's hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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@david8hughes: [under heavy sniper fire] Platoon leader: where's that sniper fire coming from? Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
@FormerGrunt: When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.
@mejustbeth: Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won't go into a corn maze without a machete.
@david8hughes: [first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?