Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.