@alexwyse: Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.
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@Ohgoddessitsme: My fathers wife bought a "Christian cookbook" I didn't even know they had different recipes, I've been eating sin all along.
@Donna_McCoy: I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
@rzarosco: MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We're good here?
@HairyJew4Life: The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.