@alexwyse: Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.
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@lawbsterfest: Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don't have to make the delivery guy think he's being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
@Brampersandon_: MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching ME: ok mom FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that
@Book_Krazy: "What's that?" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* "WTH!?!"
@AimeeHelene1: Him: The ceiling is dripping water!! Me: No, that's just God crying. *panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*