Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You Might Also Like
based al yankovic
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.