Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…