[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You Might Also Like
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
The glory of fall.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.