That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
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COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
this has to be peak English
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.