Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.