Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.