singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.