Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
You Might Also Like
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person