Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Time heals everything 🙂