My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You Might Also Like
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!