Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day