How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
My love language is hissing.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad