*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”