[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
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I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.