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@IamEveryDayPpl: *sinks into depression*
Depression: "Wrong hole."
@ryaninco: According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
@01CandyQueen: Bae: come over
Me: do you have food?
Bae: my parents aren't home
Me: Are they gonna come back with food?
@Douchekevin: When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it's because they don't have Oreos to go with the milk.
@KeetPotato: [talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
@errdayhustlah: My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.