*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
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Boating season is upon us.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
There’s never enough good news
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”