*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.