*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.