*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
All is fair in drunk and war.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”