*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.