*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
You Might Also Like
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.